| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1266 Registered: 11-2004 |
the slow death of secrets I draw the thin coat of my last mysteries tight, gather it around my shoulders, though it holds no warmth in its sheer folds. You have taken my hands and pried them open, released the grey moths I treasured. On tattered wings they fluttered into your long shadow. The rusty coins I clutched landed dull at my feet. Lark feathers, dried violets, cowries and paper stars all tumbled through my fingers. Snippets of silk, sequins and snow- this was all I cherished. Had you hoped for dragons? or blood or fire? Did you look for keys and locks of hair, letters, mirrored daggers, poems and plotted maps? We sit now, knee to knee, and you trace the lines in my palms, study them with exquisite patience, certain you will discover the one jagged stripe that reveals all. (Message edited by sparklingseas on September 07, 2005) (Message edited by sparklingseas on September 07, 2005) | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2444 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, I love the magical feel of this poem. Might I suggest some different line breaks in the first stanza: I draw the thin coat of my last mysteries tight, gather it around my shoulders, though it holds no warmth in it's sheer folds. You take my hands, pry them open, release the gray moths I treasured. On tattered wings they flutter into your long shadow. (I changed the tense here.) and in S2 maybe bring it into present tense  K | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 643 Registered: 10-2003 |
Dale, I love the images, very appropriate for the theme. You let the image speak for the poem itself...the kind of feeling you get when watching a soundless scene and somehow knowing what transpires even when you dont hear. Tender and exquisite, and you choose just the right images to convey the passion that is being controlled, thats how i view it at least. Bravo! Cheers Brethren | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4743 Registered: 07-2001 |
You have taken my hands and pried them open, released the grey moths I treasured. On tattered wings they fluttered into your long shadow. I agree with Kathy's tense change, but regardless I love the wings released and the coins etc that tumble after. A vg read. Smiles. Gary The new, August FireWeed is ready for you to read. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5167 Registered: 11-1998 |
Ah, now you have poetry, Dale. A lovely piece. I would clip a word or two here and there, but nothing major. It evokes a magical feel. You have done so well on atmosphere. | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 321 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dale... In regards to your comment about Texas being too far North, had you been any "souther", I'd have to be brushing up on my espanol... and my spanish just happens to be rustier than a copper-colored pig. The title of this one is a gem. It has me wondering if it's merciful for a secret to die quickly... or if it's the secret's tenacity that has it fighting until its last breath. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that I find this poem of yours a treat. The way you've made the last mysteries, in S1, a thin coat is marvelous. Although it holds no warmth, its comfort won't go out of style... at least until a more practical coat goes on sale. The grey moths are intriguing. While I'm at a loss for what they traditionally symbolize, I can't help but see them here as a nemesis for the thin coat (mysteries). Could this be a way of saying that the speaker favors them because they eat away at mystery when all she really wants is something simple and solveable? You needn't answer that... I'm just rambling about what this poem has me thinking. S3 makes me think that the "you" in this poem is someone who sees love as a fantasy... something to conquer (slay)... as if maybe the heart is an enormous castle, riddled with secret doors and cached with plunder that has no business leaving. S4 is a great finish.... but L1 had me briefly thinking that the "you" in this poem is really the speaker. Sitting "knee to knee" is an impractical way for two people to posture themselves, at least while reading palms. Keep in mind, it's the singularity of that "knee to knee" that has me thinking this. Sitting "knees to knees" would conjure an image of two people sitting Indian style... but sitting knee to knee makes me wonder if the speaker is sitting next to a mirror... next to their inverse self? Naaaaw... that's not it. Is it? Cary... | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2453 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, I see you've edited! Nicely done, but you didn't leave your origainal so my line break suggestions don't make sense. I still think you should bring it all into present tense. K | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 167 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dale, so beautifully done, the dangerousness and longing to be known...knee to knee. Penelope | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1279 Registered: 11-2004 |
Kathy~ Ah, me and those darn line breaks! Sorry... should have left the original. Thanks for your suggestions and comments. Marty~ Thank you! I'm glad you liked this. I appreciate the kind words Gary~ Smiles back to you! Thanks! M~ Now that's what I wanted to hear!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Ah, Cary~ I hate it when your interp is a better read than my poem.  In the first write I used knees... but thought it sounded too... anatomical (??)... but I mean two people sitting facing one another with knees touching... so I guess it should be knees. I like the mirror concept, though it was not what I intended. Glad you like the title. I was thinking of the difficulty in giving up some secrets. Thanks for your very thoughtful comments. Penelope~ Bingo! You understood exactly what I meant to convey. Aaaahhhh... that is so nice. Thank you. take care all~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2864 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, The terrible vulnerability shines through in this one. Well done. The only phrase that jumped out at me was 'tattered wings' which felt too worn out for this poem of such strong images. A suggestion for you to consider: released the grey moths I treasured, sent them fluttering into your long shadow. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ |
